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To Want and Love

I gaze at her .. wanting missing.. the void between us is large.   Her scent, the feel of her skin beneath my fingers.. Her lips the way they meld with mine.. the mingling of the essence in the air just before our lips touch...   God, I crave this..

Her firm but gentle touch or even tug.. Just to have her pinky glide across mine.. 

the thought makes my chest hurt.. I hurt because she sits before me and we have not had this in a year.

My heart wants to pour itself out in the distance between us, flood the space, and hope that she bathes in it.. even lingers.. But I do not have the energy for the rejection, for the pain both hers and mine.  So I sit over her on the couch.  I sit over here against the door in the truck. ..Continuing to respect the void and distance..

I feel as if you want nothing of me.  I feel as if you are only here because there is nowhere else.  That you get if you leave, you jeopardize losing SAM and I am a necessary means to an end.  You stay because you love Ittie.  It is the only time I see happiness in your eyes now.. time with the girls.

For me, it's anger, trepidation.. resentment.. closed annoyance.    I understand.  I get that nothing good has happened to you since I entered your life.  That thyroid, heart, heart failure, pain, depression loss of a daughter, loss of lire savings, loss of a career, and path you worked your ass off to create. Loss of independence.. It all happened on my watch..

I refuse to budge.. I won't leave.. I made you a promise.  A promise to be different than those who walked before me.  I made you a vow to walk with you through thick and thin.  I LOVE you with my being. So  I stay.. I take in the silence, the pain.. trying to not resent it, trying not to be mad.. Somedays I am better than others.   I feel alone .. as I am sure that you do..

I will not leave my watch.. I will stand .. I will be here .. I love you.. I will not fail you again.. I have tried not to this entire time.  Even in those efforts, I did fail.  When the mountain collapses upon you.. you can not walk away without getting hurt.

I want you .. but I love you more.. so I will be here.. waiting for however long it takes ..

If you choose this is not your path, this is not what you want then because I love you.. I will move to the side.. I will let go.. I will try to do it with grace.  There has been, there is too much pain.

I stand at the gates of purgatory with you, in the grey .. hoping you see your light.. Trying not to lose mine.



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