My Apparitions : Hauntings of the Mind

In the last 24 hours.. I have traveled time with the apparitions of my past, present future.  

It's an easy thing to do when driving across the "flatlands" of Indiana ..Letting my mind drift scenes from childhood, voices .. feelings accompany me on the ride breaking through the music to come to the front of my conscience.   1.5 hours each way .  Driving to my town of Origin.

Logan is a good enough place, and honestly was the small town of heart warming movies where you could be a kid and ride your bike across bridges , all over and you were safe. Parenting was done by when the street lights came on, otherwise if it was warm enough to not get frostbite you were outside with friends.  

And like all small communities, we had our secrets.  Some of us though twice about going home when the lights came on not for the fun we were having but for what awaited us.  The sins of the father passed down via violent hand, slaying of the verbal, out right neglect or sexual power and guilt.   Addictions .. Mental Health.  We all know stories.  Some of us lived them .. and my question at 46 "when do escape the hauntings of the apparitions of our younger selves .. when does the pain fade".. 

It's such a weird haunting the good, the bad, the terror .. All together.  Being a survivor of a house that held issues of Mental Health, Violence, Emotional and physical leaves psychic scares.  Ghosts  with scripts that affect current interactions.  I have went through enough counseling, cognitive "readjustment" to be able to most of the time separate myself, burn the mental sage and clear our the spirits.   It's harder when entering ground zero.  When thrust back into the system, and familiar patterns seem to conjure the ghouls and goblins from the depths below to tug on your mind, the anger, fear, the vulnerability of heart, soul and mind.  The falsehood that maybe this will be different.  Maybe ???   Maybe's are lies in this haunted house. 

How do you look at a woman that did so much for the community, for people you love and reconcile the damage bestowed to you? the ghost of a teen stands next to me? When will I be good enough, why was the love taken away.  The shame.. 

Her gifts were amazing .  My mom could be magical, inventive, fun.. wicked brilliant.  She assisted so many in this community in learning how to read .. aka how to be free.  My mom challenged me to be brave, think for myself, to look at the world and challenge my biases, that everyone has worth.  Imagination was a gift and hold on to it, foster it.  Be curious.  Be kind. Carol used words like NEAT and to be called Nice was the largest compliment in her book. 

Mom wore polyester up through the 90s red and black to support us in our school events.  She proudly walked with me on Sr. Night into the middle of the gymnasium.  Made every concert. All most all sporting events. She packed candy in her purse and little games to keep me occupied during my brother and sisters concerts.   A lover of theatre, art , music. a good book.  Such Beauty lied within her.. such potential and I am thankful that I experienced it. 

And then there was the monster that lived inside her.  A wicked bitterness that turned on us, turned on all eventually.   A distrust that everyone is out to get her, abandon her, the void of this insecurity was never ending and trying to be good enough, excel enough , well was exhausting.  Her brilliance became a weapon in words and sentences that cut to the quick, accusations that were outlandish and far for the truth. a bended perception that was filtered through partial maddness and only led to further self fulfilling prophecies. 

And today it has led her to a hospital. Untreated diabetes, and ulcers.  sepsis.  All because the doctors don't know,and a fear to go to the Dr. and get treated.  Refusal to have her blood sugar measured.  Combative may be an understatement. Leaving madness and frustration in her wake. The demon lies before us and the shadow of the woman who gave so much is slight.  It plays victim to the children who have abandoned her and the one who stayed behind. It talks about if only your father.  Calls on how unfair her siblings have been even though it was her sibiling that set everything in motion for the security of the network she has now.

I know I am in light .. I know I am 46 .. but I can see the images .. feel the pain, the desperation , the suffocation.  The oxygen is leaving the room .  If I am not careful they will pull me down.  How long do I have to fight this fight.  How long will the haunting continue.. The bible phrase SINS of the FAther...  I see the damage caused by this .  I see the shallowness of it all.. What is the right thing. ?  What makes me a good daughter.  A good person.  

But these are silly questions.  I will choose the "next right thing" with the information and resources I have.  I will allow my self to cry .. I will grieve for a few moments.  Pick myself .. burn my mental sage.   I will let the apparitions go back to their place.. just energies left over.. it is what it is .. and it is what it will be.  And while its not OK .. it's the truth of the history of this place, this system, and my history.. but not my legacy. and not the legacy I am working on passing on . No more Hauntings today